Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
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If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Ape together strong
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Meeeee too!
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!