Writing, She Murdered.
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Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language