I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
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It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Snapes on a plane.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.