at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
You Might Also Like
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute