My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
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Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again