K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
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my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”