college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
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Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific