friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
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INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?