I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
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My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Autocorrect completely socks
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Fries, not lies.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio