Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
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Oh hi lol
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4