this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
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January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I saw this ending much differently.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too