TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
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When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Leonardo DiCaprisun
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
it be like that
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.