Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
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People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |