Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
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Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?