“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
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If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.