You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
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Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
We all have our pet causes.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.