At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
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Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated