Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
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I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
no
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
In case you needed to hear it:
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.