[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
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I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
He took my last fry, your honor
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.