If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
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him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.