The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
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#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3