Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
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Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
my retirement plan is braless
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.