My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
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Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.