Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
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I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.