“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
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Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Are we there yet?…
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.