I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
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I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
car not found
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again