My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
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Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Was it something I said?
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
They also CAN sing✌️
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
My dog learned how to text
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.