A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
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Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
as is their right
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.