What in the hell is “disposable income”?
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My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.