Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
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Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days