3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
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Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
That’s easy for you to say
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.