her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
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If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I love you…
…r dog.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.