I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
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My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋