[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
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don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Wise advice
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.