I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
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Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Nose
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol