You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
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My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”