{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
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I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”