GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
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EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
hmmm
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
New mindset, who dis?
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.