me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
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Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*