a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
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Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
mathematically impossible
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.