GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
You Might Also Like
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
“We will wed,” I threatened
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis