I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
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My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
okay run it by me one more time
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Easy enough.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell