I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
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If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
I bet birds love this building.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?