When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
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If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
They’re on their honeymoon
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.