And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
You Might Also Like
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..