“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
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ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?