I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
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Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…