I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
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I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Banking tips
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
seems fine
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.