“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
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After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”