I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
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Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
I am HOWLING at this
I am also baked goods
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud